Christian Caregiving 7- Helping Others to Forgive
Gen 44:18-45:9; Psalm 32; 1 John 1:5-2:6; Luke 15:11-32
This is our last week in our Christian Caregiving series. This week we are dealing with caring for someone who wants to forgive someone. We have already dealt with caring for someone in the midst of their sin, and we spoke about how to help them confess and receive God’s forgiveness. This is a bit different. This week we are speaking about you, as a Christian caregiver, helping someone who has been hurt by someone else.
Forgiveness is a persistent theme throughout Scripture. Within the pages of the Bible, we meet a God who takes sin incredibly seriously, but who is also very willing to forgive his people when they honestly repent and humbly seek forgiveness. Jesus teaches that, if someone is truly repentant, that we should never draw a line as to when we stop forgiving someone, even if they sin against us over and over (Lk 17:3-4). When Jesus teaches his disciples to pray, he relates God’s forgiveness of us to our forgiveness of others- as if they are two sides of the same coin; Jesus teaches us to pray,
“forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Lk 11:4).
In the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) we often emphasize the Father’s incredible forgiveness of the lost son, but we often don’t see that the older brother’s un-forgiveness of his brother leaves him outside his father’s house.
Jesus tells an important parable about forgiveness in Matthew 18:21-35. In this parable, There is a slave that owes his master an incredibly vast amount of money. In today’s terms, it would be something like 6 billion dollars (10 thousand talents). The man is going to be sold into slavery with his family to get some money back for his master. The man begs for mercy and, incredibly, the master forgives his incredible debt. But that same servant, who had been forgiven so much, meets a fellow servant who owes him a few thousand dollars (100 denarii). It’s a significant amount of money, but it’s possible to pay it back. The fellow servant begs for mercy, but instead he has him thrown into prison until his family and friends can pay back the debt to have him released. The master hears about this, and calls the original servant. Since this servant was forgiven so much, and was unwilling to forgive a fellow servant much less, he is instead thrown into prison.
The lesson here is that God has forgiven us much more than we will even be asked to forgive someone else. We all owe God a holy life, and each day we refuse to give that to God puts us into debt. Romans 3:23 says,
Jesus tells an important parable about forgiveness in Matthew 18:21-35. In this parable, There is a slave that owes his master an incredibly vast amount of money. In today’s terms, it would be something like 6 billion dollars (10 thousand talents). The man is going to be sold into slavery with his family to get some money back for his master. The man begs for mercy and, incredibly, the master forgives his incredible debt. But that same servant, who had been forgiven so much, meets a fellow servant who owes him a few thousand dollars (100 denarii). It’s a significant amount of money, but it’s possible to pay it back. The fellow servant begs for mercy, but instead he has him thrown into prison until his family and friends can pay back the debt to have him released. The master hears about this, and calls the original servant. Since this servant was forgiven so much, and was unwilling to forgive a fellow servant much less, he is instead thrown into prison.
The lesson here is that God has forgiven us much more than we will even be asked to forgive someone else. We all owe God a holy life, and each day we refuse to give that to God puts us into debt. Romans 3:23 says,
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.
If God offers us forgiveness for our debt to Him, then how dare we withhold forgiveness from someone who has offended us in a smaller way.
There are plenty more examples we could give. Jesus declared at the Last Supper that the cup of his blood is for the forgiveness of sins (Matt 26:28), and he prayed for the forgiveness of those who were crucifying him saying they didn’t know what they were doing (Lk23:34). Which matches what we read in Ephesians 6:12,
There are plenty more examples we could give. Jesus declared at the Last Supper that the cup of his blood is for the forgiveness of sins (Matt 26:28), and he prayed for the forgiveness of those who were crucifying him saying they didn’t know what they were doing (Lk23:34). Which matches what we read in Ephesians 6:12,
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”
We can see them as slaves of these dark powers- Prisoners who have not yet been freed, and so acting in ways apart from who they were created to be.
Forgiveness was an important part of the Gospel that Jesus’ followers were trying to spread. We are inheritors of that Gospel, and so we are also ambassadors of that that message. Forgiveness should be our specialty- not only helping people accept God’s forgiveness, but also helping them through forgiving someone who has hurt them. This is especially important because God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others are related. I don’t think that is about God withholding forgiveness as a kind of punishment if you aren’t willing to forgive. Maybe it is more like breathing- You can’t just breathe in. To receive forgiveness, but being unwilling to forgive means we don’t really understand. We have a kind of block in our spirit.
So, say someone comes to you and they say that someone has done something that has hurt them, and they are having a hard time forgiving. How can you help them?
First, it is important that, as Christians, we pray for Christ to help in this whole process. It is through him that we gain the power to forgive. It’s also important to ask yourself if this person has experienced the forgiveness of God in their own life. It doesn’t mean you bring this up in your conversation with them, but you should have this sitting somewhere in your mind as you are talking to them. Sometimes an unwillingness to forgive comes from a lack of understanding how much we have been forgiven.
It’s also important for us to honestly recognize that anger at someone hurting us is normal. It is an internal alarm. We want to be careful what we do with that anger, but it is important to just recognize it as a natural alarm when we encounter perceived injustice.
Maybe we should also say a word about what not to do. We shouldn’t just quote Scripture to the person and tell them they have to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t an on/off switch in the soul. It is a process. It is especially a process if it is a long-standing hurt from years ago and anger and bitterness is now attached to it. Forgiveness is a process, and it can take time to truly forgive.
So where do we begin? We begin by affirming and showing compassion to the person who has been wounded. We listen to them deeply. We hear their story. It’s important to acknowledge their pain. Sometimes it can be hard to let go because they don’t feel like anyone really understands the depth of their hurt. In their pain, it is important that they are deeply heard and accepted.
We want to be careful to not go through that part too quickly. We want to really take time to hear their pain. Otherwise, their forgiveness will be superficial. They might be left feeling guilty because the thoughts about what this person has done to them still haunts them continuously. The German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer would say that forgiving too soon is “cheap grace”. We don’t want to withhold our forgiveness as a kind of punishment, but we don’t want to forgive without being ready.
Sometimes we have this image of forgiveness that tells us that forgiveness means saying what happened wasn’t really so bad after all, but that’s not what forgiveness is. Martin Luther King Jr. once said,
Forgiveness was an important part of the Gospel that Jesus’ followers were trying to spread. We are inheritors of that Gospel, and so we are also ambassadors of that that message. Forgiveness should be our specialty- not only helping people accept God’s forgiveness, but also helping them through forgiving someone who has hurt them. This is especially important because God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others are related. I don’t think that is about God withholding forgiveness as a kind of punishment if you aren’t willing to forgive. Maybe it is more like breathing- You can’t just breathe in. To receive forgiveness, but being unwilling to forgive means we don’t really understand. We have a kind of block in our spirit.
So, say someone comes to you and they say that someone has done something that has hurt them, and they are having a hard time forgiving. How can you help them?
First, it is important that, as Christians, we pray for Christ to help in this whole process. It is through him that we gain the power to forgive. It’s also important to ask yourself if this person has experienced the forgiveness of God in their own life. It doesn’t mean you bring this up in your conversation with them, but you should have this sitting somewhere in your mind as you are talking to them. Sometimes an unwillingness to forgive comes from a lack of understanding how much we have been forgiven.
It’s also important for us to honestly recognize that anger at someone hurting us is normal. It is an internal alarm. We want to be careful what we do with that anger, but it is important to just recognize it as a natural alarm when we encounter perceived injustice.
Maybe we should also say a word about what not to do. We shouldn’t just quote Scripture to the person and tell them they have to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t an on/off switch in the soul. It is a process. It is especially a process if it is a long-standing hurt from years ago and anger and bitterness is now attached to it. Forgiveness is a process, and it can take time to truly forgive.
So where do we begin? We begin by affirming and showing compassion to the person who has been wounded. We listen to them deeply. We hear their story. It’s important to acknowledge their pain. Sometimes it can be hard to let go because they don’t feel like anyone really understands the depth of their hurt. In their pain, it is important that they are deeply heard and accepted.
We want to be careful to not go through that part too quickly. We want to really take time to hear their pain. Otherwise, their forgiveness will be superficial. They might be left feeling guilty because the thoughts about what this person has done to them still haunts them continuously. The German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer would say that forgiving too soon is “cheap grace”. We don’t want to withhold our forgiveness as a kind of punishment, but we don’t want to forgive without being ready.
Sometimes we have this image of forgiveness that tells us that forgiveness means saying what happened wasn’t really so bad after all, but that’s not what forgiveness is. Martin Luther King Jr. once said,
“forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.”
It’s important to recognize that what has been done is wrong, and has caused harm. Forgiveness is not forgetting, and it is not about saying it’s not really that bad.
We should also not make forgiveness equal to reconciliation. Reconciliation is ideal, but it isn’t always possible. … Forgiveness is our part. We can forgive apart from the person who has hurt us. Forgiveness is about letting go of our anger and vengeance. It’s about letting go of the hold their actions have on our lives. … Reconciliation is a restoration of the relationship. Reconciliation requires both people- the person who has been hurt and the offender. Reconciliation won’t happen if one party is unwilling. It is a two-way street. It might also be unwise in some abusive relationships to pursue reconciliation. Or, perhaps the other person has died, or they moved away and they don’t know where they are. So, reconciliation doesn’t always happen, but forgiveness can happen apart from reconciliation. That means we also don’t need someone to confess their fault to us for us to forgive. That is part of reconciliation, but not forgiveness. But we do want to aim at reconciliation whenever possible.
Once the person has been able to honestly share their story and their pain, then they can talk about the anger and resentment towards the offender. … I remember someone telling me a story about how their forgiveness process worked for them. It was a kind of vision. They said in prayer it was as if they stood before Christ as a judge in a courtroom. The person who hurt them deeply was imprisoned in the courtroom, and they told Christ everything this person did to them in detail. As they spoke, they saw the compassion in Christ’s eyes, but they also saw righteous indignation in his eyes towards their attacker. When they spoke everything, they left the courtroom so Christ could deal with the person. They gave God their desire for vengeance, and they trusted Christ to judge him.
That act takes a lot of faith because we have to believe that God will do what is just- That God will take justice seriously- that God will take our pain seriously. We have to believe that God loves us deeply and cares deeply about what has happened to us. Only when we believe that will we be able to hand over our anger and revenge.
Forgiveness is a decision. It probably has to be a spoken decision, even if we are all alone. That act of forgiveness doesn’t mean the pain and other consequences will instantly go away. We may still need healing from our wounds. … To give a silly example. Say you step on my toe. You feel bad and say you’re sorry. I forgive you, but my toe still hurts. I might not want revenge, but my toe still hurts even if I have genuinely forgiven you. … Healing can take time. And we might have to speak our forgiveness over and over as we let go of layers of anger and resentment.
We might think forgiveness is a difficult thing for God to ask of us, but we should also consider how it goes for those who don’t forgive and are filled with bitterness and anger. God specializes in bringing beauty out of human darkness and pain. Human beings caused the cross and God brought forgiveness and resurrection out of it. When we open ourselves to forgiveness we could be making space for God to do something beautiful.
We saw amazing powers of forgiveness coming from The Rev. Dale Lang when his son was shot in a school in Taber. Or, The Rev. Martin Hattersley when he forgave his daughter’s murderer and even sat with the offender during his trial in Edmonton.[1] We saw forgiveness in the Amish community in Pennsylvania when a gunman killed 8 preteen girls in their school. We saw this in the life of Desmond Tutu after experiencing the horrors of Apartheid in South Africa. There is tremendous power and healing available through forgiveness. As disciples of Christ we are ambassadors spreading the gospel of forgiveness. Forgiveness is at the very heart of the Gospel. God’s forgiveness of us is immeasurable—far greater than anything we will ever be asked to forgive in another. Ultimately, forgiveness is an act of faith. It is trusting that God takes our pain seriously, that God is just, and that God can bring healing even from the deepest wounds. AMEN
We should also not make forgiveness equal to reconciliation. Reconciliation is ideal, but it isn’t always possible. … Forgiveness is our part. We can forgive apart from the person who has hurt us. Forgiveness is about letting go of our anger and vengeance. It’s about letting go of the hold their actions have on our lives. … Reconciliation is a restoration of the relationship. Reconciliation requires both people- the person who has been hurt and the offender. Reconciliation won’t happen if one party is unwilling. It is a two-way street. It might also be unwise in some abusive relationships to pursue reconciliation. Or, perhaps the other person has died, or they moved away and they don’t know where they are. So, reconciliation doesn’t always happen, but forgiveness can happen apart from reconciliation. That means we also don’t need someone to confess their fault to us for us to forgive. That is part of reconciliation, but not forgiveness. But we do want to aim at reconciliation whenever possible.
Once the person has been able to honestly share their story and their pain, then they can talk about the anger and resentment towards the offender. … I remember someone telling me a story about how their forgiveness process worked for them. It was a kind of vision. They said in prayer it was as if they stood before Christ as a judge in a courtroom. The person who hurt them deeply was imprisoned in the courtroom, and they told Christ everything this person did to them in detail. As they spoke, they saw the compassion in Christ’s eyes, but they also saw righteous indignation in his eyes towards their attacker. When they spoke everything, they left the courtroom so Christ could deal with the person. They gave God their desire for vengeance, and they trusted Christ to judge him.
That act takes a lot of faith because we have to believe that God will do what is just- That God will take justice seriously- that God will take our pain seriously. We have to believe that God loves us deeply and cares deeply about what has happened to us. Only when we believe that will we be able to hand over our anger and revenge.
Forgiveness is a decision. It probably has to be a spoken decision, even if we are all alone. That act of forgiveness doesn’t mean the pain and other consequences will instantly go away. We may still need healing from our wounds. … To give a silly example. Say you step on my toe. You feel bad and say you’re sorry. I forgive you, but my toe still hurts. I might not want revenge, but my toe still hurts even if I have genuinely forgiven you. … Healing can take time. And we might have to speak our forgiveness over and over as we let go of layers of anger and resentment.
We might think forgiveness is a difficult thing for God to ask of us, but we should also consider how it goes for those who don’t forgive and are filled with bitterness and anger. God specializes in bringing beauty out of human darkness and pain. Human beings caused the cross and God brought forgiveness and resurrection out of it. When we open ourselves to forgiveness we could be making space for God to do something beautiful.
We saw amazing powers of forgiveness coming from The Rev. Dale Lang when his son was shot in a school in Taber. Or, The Rev. Martin Hattersley when he forgave his daughter’s murderer and even sat with the offender during his trial in Edmonton.[1] We saw forgiveness in the Amish community in Pennsylvania when a gunman killed 8 preteen girls in their school. We saw this in the life of Desmond Tutu after experiencing the horrors of Apartheid in South Africa. There is tremendous power and healing available through forgiveness. As disciples of Christ we are ambassadors spreading the gospel of forgiveness. Forgiveness is at the very heart of the Gospel. God’s forgiveness of us is immeasurable—far greater than anything we will ever be asked to forgive in another. Ultimately, forgiveness is an act of faith. It is trusting that God takes our pain seriously, that God is just, and that God can bring healing even from the deepest wounds. AMEN
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