Christian Caregiving 2- Listening
Today we are continuing our sermon series on Christian Caregiving. This week we will be looking at the topic of listening as a Christian Caregiver. … Listening is a constant theme in the Bible. In our readings today we heard
“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge … . Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” (Prov 17:27-28).
In Psalm 81 God laments that His people don’t listen-
“Hear, O my people, while I admonish you! O Israel, if you would but listen to me! ... But my people did not listen to my voice … Oh, that my people would listen to me, that Israel would walk in my ways!” (81:8, 11a, 13).
St. James gives direction saying,
“let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger… If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless” (James 1:19, 26).
Later in his letter St. James says,
“…the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. … It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:5-7).
He advises his people to listen and then warns them of the dangers of speaking. And Jesus taught saying,
“He who has ears to hear, let him hear” (Mark 4:9).
He taught knowing that ‘having ears’ and actually hearing are two separate things. … We could give many more examples- Proverbs 18:13 says,
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
The importance of listening is emphasized over and over in the Bible and in the guidance of the saints.
Primarily, through prayer and Scripture, we want to learn to listen to God.[1] … Today, we are thinking about hearing as caregivers. And ideally we want to do both, sort of at the same time. We want to learn to listen to God in the midst of listening to someone who is in pain.
Some of the problems we have with listening to others can be alleviated when we learn to take the person seriously. Caring for people in their pain is a kind of holy place. Jesus says when we care for people in their needs that we (mysteriously) have done it for him (Matt 25). So, there is a mysterious encounter with God when we are present with a person in their pain, even though we are often not aware of it. …
There is a mystery regarding the person in front of you. This is a person created in God’s image- a person Christ has died for. God desires eternal life for this person- God desires that they will grow into a more and more glorious being reflecting Christ’s image. … Sometimes when we don’t listen well it is because we are dismissive of the person. We aren’t present to them in a way that takes seriously the image of God before us. … I mentioned this last time, but as CS Lewis said,
Primarily, through prayer and Scripture, we want to learn to listen to God.[1] … Today, we are thinking about hearing as caregivers. And ideally we want to do both, sort of at the same time. We want to learn to listen to God in the midst of listening to someone who is in pain.
Some of the problems we have with listening to others can be alleviated when we learn to take the person seriously. Caring for people in their pain is a kind of holy place. Jesus says when we care for people in their needs that we (mysteriously) have done it for him (Matt 25). So, there is a mysterious encounter with God when we are present with a person in their pain, even though we are often not aware of it. …
There is a mystery regarding the person in front of you. This is a person created in God’s image- a person Christ has died for. God desires eternal life for this person- God desires that they will grow into a more and more glorious being reflecting Christ’s image. … Sometimes when we don’t listen well it is because we are dismissive of the person. We aren’t present to them in a way that takes seriously the image of God before us. … I mentioned this last time, but as CS Lewis said,
“There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors” (The Weight of Glory).
We might add that it is immortals who we listen to- who we give our attention to.
To listen better, it can be helpful to think about the mystery of the person we are with. Think about any person you know- even the most dull person you know. No number of words could ever sum that person up. No number of books could really help you grasp that person perfectly. There will always be something missing that we can’t necessarily explain. The Orthodox theologian Vladmir Lossky said,
To listen better, it can be helpful to think about the mystery of the person we are with. Think about any person you know- even the most dull person you know. No number of words could ever sum that person up. No number of books could really help you grasp that person perfectly. There will always be something missing that we can’t necessarily explain. The Orthodox theologian Vladmir Lossky said,
“There will always remain an ‘irrational residue’ which escapes analysis and which cannot be expressed in concepts; it is the unknowable depth of things, that which constitutes their true, indefinable essence.” (in The Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church).
While there is this mystical side to people there is also a simple commonality to human beings. For example, I once heard a wise man say that all human motivation can be broken down into either an attempt to avoid pain, or to find happiness. All the complexity of human behavior, he believed, could be found in those two motivations. Understanding that can help me build a bridge to the other person. I might not understand what it’s like to be a fentanyl addict, but I can understand seeking happiness and avoiding pain. … As caregivers, it can be helpful to listen for those two motivations in the person we are caring for- how are they avoiding pain? How are they seeking happiness?
Just as there are practical stumbling blocks to listening- like being in a rush, or being in a noisy environment, or being in a space with lots of distractions- there are also inner stumbling blocks to listening. This might be an attitude, a prejudice, of a belief, that is getting in the way of really listening.
I was once at a retreat center for a few days, and I met a man who confided in me that his wife just died and he was struggling with suicidal thoughts. At dinner, there was a conversation that turned to environmental issues. This gentle guy said something about the earth being burned up at the second coming of Jesus, so maybe we shouldn’t worry that much about the environment. Now, I think that isn’t very good theology, but the person across the table gave him a pretty angry lecture about how wrong he was. … He was at the retreat center to try to seek healing and rest in the midst of a very difficult time. … But the inner noise of a political topic distracted from this person (made in the image of God, one of God’s beloved) who was actually in an emotional crisis.
Michael Nichols, who wrote The Lost Art of Listening, wrote
Michael Nichols, who wrote The Lost Art of Listening, wrote
“genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment- and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person” (p64). Perhaps that’s what Paul means when he says that “Love believes all things” (1 Cor 13).
We listen in such a way that the person in front of us takes precedence over our judgement about what they are saying, (at least for the time being).
We might also be distracted by our own anxiety, that often comes from sitting with someone in their pain. We might want to fill the silence to comfort ourselves. We might want to fill the space with platitudes like “God has a plan”, or “everything happens for a reason”. Often, we say these things to fill the uncomfortable silence because we don’t know what to say. Generally, they aren’t very helpful, and we say them to make ourselves feel better. Our anxiety might even lead us to change the subject away from their pain. Or, our anxiety might lead us to talk too much.
If we do feel the need to talk, it might be helpful to ask questions that invite the one we are caring for to speak- Like asking clarifying questions- “what do you mean when you say you feel like you have a weight in your chest?” Or, you might try to sum up and reflect back to them what you hear them saying. Maybe notice patterns in the things they say.
What can be particularly helpful is learning to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is one that you can’t answer with a “yes” or a “no”. For example, you might ask, “how did you feel when that happened to you?” Or, you might just ask them to tell you more.[2]
It is important to encourage people to express how they are feeling because sometimes people feel like they don’t want to bother you with how they are feeling, or they feel like they are being selfish by talking about themselves. But, it is important that we all have safe places to talk about these things- when we are ready to. We don’t want to push people. …
In particular, we want to listen for meaning. Listen for what matters to them deep down. Spirituality is concerned with questions like, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here? Why is this happening to me? What does God think of me? What is right and wrong in this situation? Why does God allow suffering? … These question can make people uncomfortable. They aren’t easy to talk about, and it can be hard to listen to people struggle with these questions. … We also don’t live in a society that is all that comfortable with these questions. We are more likely to talk about the weather, or the hockey game, or something in the news, than to talk about some of these deeper issues. As Christians, we can be a real gift to people if we can be open to talking about these things. People need to be able to trust us that we won’t reject them or shut down the conversation when it disagrees with our values or gets too personal. They need to trust that we won’t flip to a different topic or crack a joke when they share a deep hurt with us that makes us uncomfortable. They need to trust that we are going to value the depth and complexity of what they are dealing with.
David Augsburger, who writes books about pastoral counselling, once said,
We might also be distracted by our own anxiety, that often comes from sitting with someone in their pain. We might want to fill the silence to comfort ourselves. We might want to fill the space with platitudes like “God has a plan”, or “everything happens for a reason”. Often, we say these things to fill the uncomfortable silence because we don’t know what to say. Generally, they aren’t very helpful, and we say them to make ourselves feel better. Our anxiety might even lead us to change the subject away from their pain. Or, our anxiety might lead us to talk too much.
If we do feel the need to talk, it might be helpful to ask questions that invite the one we are caring for to speak- Like asking clarifying questions- “what do you mean when you say you feel like you have a weight in your chest?” Or, you might try to sum up and reflect back to them what you hear them saying. Maybe notice patterns in the things they say.
What can be particularly helpful is learning to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is one that you can’t answer with a “yes” or a “no”. For example, you might ask, “how did you feel when that happened to you?” Or, you might just ask them to tell you more.[2]
It is important to encourage people to express how they are feeling because sometimes people feel like they don’t want to bother you with how they are feeling, or they feel like they are being selfish by talking about themselves. But, it is important that we all have safe places to talk about these things- when we are ready to. We don’t want to push people. …
In particular, we want to listen for meaning. Listen for what matters to them deep down. Spirituality is concerned with questions like, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here? Why is this happening to me? What does God think of me? What is right and wrong in this situation? Why does God allow suffering? … These question can make people uncomfortable. They aren’t easy to talk about, and it can be hard to listen to people struggle with these questions. … We also don’t live in a society that is all that comfortable with these questions. We are more likely to talk about the weather, or the hockey game, or something in the news, than to talk about some of these deeper issues. As Christians, we can be a real gift to people if we can be open to talking about these things. People need to be able to trust us that we won’t reject them or shut down the conversation when it disagrees with our values or gets too personal. They need to trust that we won’t flip to a different topic or crack a joke when they share a deep hurt with us that makes us uncomfortable. They need to trust that we are going to value the depth and complexity of what they are dealing with.
David Augsburger, who writes books about pastoral counselling, once said,
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
That is the kind of listening we are looking for. To listen this way the author Parker Palmer writes we have to be
“governed by that simple but countercultural rule, ‘No fixing, no saving, no advising, no setting each other straight."
He assumes people can be listened into understanding their own issues, and when they are given space to be deeply listened to, the Holy Spirit often becomes their own inner Counselor. He says,
“the best service I can render when you speak to me about such a struggle is to hold you faithfully in a space where you can listen to your inner teacher”.
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