Christian Caregiving 6- Boundaries

Judges 2:6-23; Ps 16; Gal 6:1-10; Matt 18:15-20

Today we are continuing our sermon series on Christian Caregiving. Last time we spoke about praying for others. Today we are going to speak about boundaries.

If we have compassion for others, and we want to do the right thing, and we believe God is calling us to help make the world a better place, eventually we will deal with issues having to do with boundaries. What are boundaries? Basically boundaries are knowing where you end and another person begins. It is knowing where your responsibility is and where your responsibility isn’t.

God allows people, in their free-will, to make choices. He will also allow people to feel the consequences of their choices. … In the book of Judges we read that, 

“the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and served the Baals [other gods]. And they abandoned the Lord, the God of their fathers, who had brought them out of the land of Egypt. They went after other gods, from among the gods of the peoples who were around them, and bowed down to them. ” (Judges 2:11-12). 

Over and over God told the people what would happen if they walked away from Him. They could only survive in the land under His protection. If they walk away from that protection, then they would put themselves in danger. The consequences were that they were raided and plundered. Their enemies got the upper hand on them and attacked them. Their armies couldn’t be successful when they had walked away from God.

The book of Judges is a book about consequences. Eventually, in their distress, the people would cry out to God. God would send a judge, who was a powerful leader and warrior who would save them from their enemies. Once they were saved they would soon turn again to their old habits serving other gods and disobeying the commandments given to them by Moses. Enemies would rise up against them again. In their distress they would cry to God for help, and God would send another judge to save them from their enemies, but soon they would return to their old ways. This is sometimes called the Judges Cycle. You can see the same pattern over and over. So in chapter 3 we read, 

“And the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. They forgot the Lord their God and served the Baals and the Asheroth. Therefore the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Cushan-risha-thaim king of Mesopotamia. And the people of Israel served Cushan-risha-thaim eight years. But when the people of Israel cried out to the Lord, the Lord raised up a deliverer for the people of Israel, who saved them, Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. The Spirit of the Lord was upon him, and he judged Israel. He went out to war, and the Lord gave Cushan-risha-thaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand. And his hand prevailed over Cushan-risha-thaim. So the land had rest for forty years. Then Othniel the son of Kenaz died” (3:7-11).

Having healthy boundaries means allowing people to feel the consequences of their choices. As Galatians 6:7 says, 

“God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap". 

This can be very difficult for some of us who really want to help people (whether they want our help or not). In the normal ways we care for others, I do think it is important for us to allow people the freedom to make their own choices and, in their freedom, feel the consequences of their choices. 

For example, if someone repeatedly refuses to seek help for an addiction that is hurting those around them, counsellors will sometimes organize an intervention where family and friends basically tell the addict how much they love them and what the consequences are for their continued addiction. The consequences might be losing visitation rights with a child, losing the option of using a vehicle, or evicting them until they choose to go to treatment. They feel the consequences of their choices rather than being constantly saved from the consequences of their choices. … The person struggling with the addiction will sometimes try to make others responsible for those consequences. For example, they might say “I can’t get to work because you won’t let me use the car”, or “you kicked me out of the house”, when really these are the consequences for their behavior. The consequences are the results of their choices- they wouldn’t have happened if they chose to seek treatment instead of continuing in their addiction. And this has to be applied with wisdom, and not in a cruel way.  

Moving to the Gospel we see Jesus advise us about boundaries in Matthew 18. This is a process every Christian should have memorized. First, 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matt 18:15). 

So first we go to the person that we have the problem with. We don’t gossip about them, building a little team around us of people who are on our side. We speak to them directly.

If they don’t hear you, or they disagree with you, then (we read) 

“take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (18:16). 

Maybe you are dealing with a misunderstanding, so you need to get other witnesses who know the situation. Chose people you both respect, not just people who you know will be “on your side”.

If others come with you, and it becomes clear that this person is in the wrong and is just being prideful and stubborn, and refuses to be corrected, then 

“tell it to the church” (18:17). 

I take this to mean telling it to the leadership. And if the leadership of the church speaks to the person, and they refuse to listen, then they essentially have rejected the authority of the Church, and are choosing to live apart from the community. … We don’t like that idea in the church because we don’t like that use of authority. We have come to have an image of love that allows others to walk all over us. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is allow someone to feel the consequences of their actions and then, hopefully upon reflection, they might choose a wiser future action. We cannot make someone change. We can choose to allow them to feel the consequences of their actions.

Part of dealing with boundaries is dealing with natural consequences for the choices that we make. But boundaries can also be quite subtle. … Returning to our reading from Galatians, Paul says both, 

‘Bear one another’s burdens’ (Gal 6:2), 

and also, 

‘Each should carry their own load’ (Gal 6:5). 

In Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book “Boundaries” they talk about backpacks and boulders.

All of us have a backpack to carry full of our own usual responsibilities and cares. Galatians 6:5 says, 

“For each will have to bear his own load”. 

That is normal. We shouldn’t expect that we can give someone our backpack, put our feet up on the couch, and have someone else deal with our daily responsibilities… unless we have become very ill. In that case, we are no longer dealing with a backpack, we are dealing with a boulder. We all need help with our boulders. Boulders might be a serious illness, or a traumatic death, or the loss of a job. It is regarding boulders that Paul says, 

“Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ” (Gal 6:7). 

 We are not able to deal with boulders on our own. It requires strength, resources, and knowledge that we don’t have. It would be impossible to push the boulder on our own.

We can get in trouble when we mix up boulders and backpacks. In our sense of autonomy, our self-sufficiency, we might reject help with our boulders, but that can crush us. They are too much to deal with on our own. We need help. … Or, we might be asked to carry someone else’s backpack, but that is really their own responsibility.

In a desire to be kind, we can agree to carry people’s backpacks. If we say no, we feel mean. If we do this enough, we might become the kind of person who has a very hard time saying “no” to any request. Maybe we feel the need for people’s approval (which the spiritual masters called vainglory[1]). We may have a desire to be seen as a self-less and helpful person. We might feel intense guilt saying ‘no’ to relatively inconsequential requests. And to avoid the guilt we just say “yes” to everything. Eventually, this can lead to resentment and bitterness.

Jesus knew who he was and so he wasn’t manipulated. He was completely free in his choices. He saw his responsibility to God as being first, and so everything was in order under that. In Mark 1 there is a moment when a crowd of people were looking for Jesus- they were people with all kinds of needs. And Jesus left them to go to other towns. Jesus was not a slave to people’s demands. There were times when he did heal a great many people who came to him, and no doubt there were many long days, … but Jesus was not a slave to other people’s desires. He was willing to leave when he felt called somewhere else- to leave and go preach somewhere else, or to leave the crowds and go spend time in prayer. Jesus allowed his relationship with his Father to determine his interactions with others.

And so it should be for us. We are surrounded by needs. If you are on social media, you will constantly see people’s needs. You will see many asks for donations. You will see emotional cries for help. If you turn on the TV and listen to the news, you will be bombarded with people in crisis. Those who are sensitive to the needs of others can be left exhausted. It is impossible for you to fill all those needs- to answer every request to give- to answer every cry for help. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s important to take time to withdraw and pray, and ask what God is calling us to do.

We should follow Christ’s example, and first know who we are. We are God’s beloved children, who have been given particular gifts and abilities. God has called us to do some things and not others. We do what we can on the basis of God’s call, rather than the unending stream of demands for help. In the midst of the sea of demands and requests we attempt to discern God’s call and allow that to guide us. … Having healthy boundaries isn’t about being selfish or unloving. It is about being a good steward of the time, treasure, and talent God has entrusted us with. … Knowing when to say “no” allows us to be free to say “yes”. If we say “yes” to everything, then we are unknowingly saying “no” to other things, and some of those things might be things God is actually calling us to do. … Following Jesus’ example, may we be free to serve in love, free to draw away in prayer, and free to be called elsewhere when God makes His will known to us. May we carry our backpacks faithfully, and help others with their boulders compassionately, and trust that God will call others to help when we need to step back. AMEN

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[1] Vainglory- “Vain glory traps our will, the desiring part of our soul, ensnaring it in a craving for approval from others. When enslaved by vainglory and its people-pleasing, we are immediately trying to make a good impression, as soon as we're confronted with people. Within that capacity, that people pleasing, we become shut off from obeying and serving God. Instead of being shaped by God's will, our desires become dictated by the desires of other people. The important thing for us is to please them, impress them, attract their acceptance and praise- and to avoid losing their approval by displeasing them.” -Dee Pennock in “God’s Path to Sanity”